haha i suppose i never saw myself doing this. non-public blog? lol.
so anyway. today.
hai. wad can i say? its really getting awfully lonely. altho y shld it be? tts wad i don't get. i train. i go out with friends. im happy with them. they make me smile. but once they go, it feels so lonely. n its not like i cant survive without people around me. i used to be able to. but now i just feel like theres this. empty spot. thats covered and not paid attention to when im with other friends, but springs up again the moment im alone. it seems like im pining for somebody, or somebodys. but i don't even noe hu. even my best friends, the people im supposed to be yearning the most for, don't really seem to be filling tt up. well mebbe its cos i got pissed at one of them recently, or wad i dunno.
i just really dunno. a good point today. in front of people i keep saying "i noe, i noe, i noe" like i noe evrything. but i dun even seem to noe myself. i dunno wad i want. theres some sort of semblance of a crush here, but exactly on hu? or izzit juz yearning for a close relationship with someone again? to feel like im just tt impt in someone else's life? with that somebody being someone tt doesnt irritate me to my wits end. and theres another irony. im so desperate for affection, n yet so choosy. tok abt attention seeking. heh.
im quite satisfied with my family currently. home's been alright these few days, and maybe its finally starting to feel like what its supposed to be. but now its me. ive got some sort of problem with myself, n wad can i do abt it?
am i being sincere? again i dunno. its like. even when freaking typing this. i dunno what, am i trying to draw sympathy from some imaginary person hus gg to be reading this? what do i do tts out of true, sincere friendship, selflessness and helpfulness, and what do i do tts just desperately calling out for attention? sometimes i really feel so fake, so false, so fabricated. even how i meet the world. everywhere i go, theres this smile on my face, laughter in my voice, lol or haha in my words. n sometimes i can even make myself believe im really happy. but at the end when evrythings gone i realise its just been a front, an automatic defense of sorts. its easier to act happy. y do i hide my true feelings like tt?
anyway i finally told somebody some parts of it today. it helped...quite a bit. but again, once that person left it all came back again. maybe ive just become pessimistic.
Lord, i don't know whats going on. im supposed to draw my strength and assurance from You. but its getting harder lately >.<>.<
rarrrghhhh. i want to sleep.
